Johnny Depp Is As Talented As A Dildo
by admin on Mar.15, 2010, under Movie Reviews
I hate Johnny Depp. He’s as over rated as most of the movies he has been in. When I hear about a good movie and then find out he is going to be in it, I go to Starbucks and hang out with emo kids because hanging out with them actually makes me feel better than knowing that Johnny Depp is about to butt fuck a perfectly good movie.
Sweeney Todd is one of those movies. When I heard about a slashing barber getting his revenge while he sings songs about gashing his victims, I almost got turned on. I said to myself, “Well… perhaps it is possible he changed. I mean. This is the year of change is it not?” (Granted we all know that Change was for the worst and half of America was fooled but let us not make this political). Point is: I went to see it.
So here I am sitting in Sweeney Todd surrounded by some awesome friends getting ready to watch this awesome gorefest. Will it be on par with most of the slash films as of late? It has to be! I have faith!
That movie was so bad that I rathers huff gasoline and put a match in my mouth so I could spontaneously combust. I rathers fuck a Spring Breaker and die of the HIV. The last time I was built up on something so disappointing was the last election day. I rather Tivo the rape scene in American History X and watch it back to back with any movie Torrie Spelling is in, than see Sweeney Todd a second time.
The sad part is, this movie had promise. It’s like he took a script and fucked the good quality out of it. He then attempted to act and made it into the piece of rubbish it became.
It’s kinda ironic, that the only time he does a good movie is when he is a mute retard with a disfigurement (Edward Scissorhands), or coked up beyond belief (Pirates of the Carribean & Blow). The rest of the movies he is in are as entertaining as watching solo pornography movies.
I decided to forward this to a few Johnny Depp fan sites and I can only hope the 12 year olds that put them up have some worthy defense to say about him or that their dreams are shattered and they kill themselves or a few other loyal fans in a Jim Jones kinda way. I also sent this to his agent and hope that he does the humane thing and stops Johnny Depp from shitting on any more Hollywood movies.
For those of you that actually liked Sweeney Todd. Seek help immediately. Johnny Depp is as talented as a dildo, and a dildo actually has a functioning use to some people unlike Johnny Depp.
