Chimper’s World

After all the hype, I decided to finally watch Twilight.  They made the list of “worst movies I have ever been forced to see.” These movies are more over hyped then the last Superman movie.  Here is a short list of things I would do if forced to watch these horrible movies once more.

I rather take part in a truck stop Glory Hole - before I watch these movies ever again.

I rather have a porcupine ram me doggy style - before I watch these movies ever again.

I rather sit at a table with Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Obama and talk about the economy that the evil white people ruined - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather commit Seppuku with a dildo -before watching these movies ever again.

I rather inject myself with liquid glass, wait for it to solidify, then have someone punch me in the stomach until I die - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather take a roadside service cone, shove it in my ass, and bunny hop ten miles - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather lick Tubgirl clean - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather brush my teeth with a prison urinal cake - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather take dating tips from Mike Tyson, Lorena Bobbit, and The Kennedy’s - before watching these movies ever again.

I rather let Michael Jackson (it’s not too soon), babysit my future mistakes - before watching these movies ever again.

Point is… these movies sucked so bad.  What made it worse, was the bandwagon of Gothic cry babies that trailed out of the theaters with tears making their mascara run down their cheeks.  As soon as I got outside, I saw a group of goths talking about how awesome the movie was… I tried really hard not to go over and curb them, so that the world would be a better place, but the cops were watching me; and I’m already on strike 2 with the Florida legal system.  Plus, the goths looked hard core so they probably bled themselves dry using paper clips while screaming for attention so that mommy and daddy would give them money to see the movie since their job at Popeyes Chicken doesn’t pay for dick.

Whats with pussy goth movies becoming sensations?  Sweeney Todd was one, and now this.  I’ll actually put Sweeney Todd in the same cataogy as Twilight because both movies are gayer then Aids.  (That’s actually pretty fucking gay).  The last time I saw such a collection of Gay, was when I saw Siegfriend and Roy in Las Vegas and that was still only 1/3 as gay as Twilight & Sweeney Todd.  Twilight is so gay, that I heard a rumor that says if you walk out of the theater backwards, you will get buttfucked before you exit the door.  Twilight is such a gay movie, here is a letter Elton John wrote to me after he saw Twilight part 1 and 2.

Dear Chimpers:

This is Elton John.  Perhaps you know of me?  I sang such songs as:  Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind, & Crocodile Rock.  Anyways, as you may have heard - I totally love the cock.  Nothing makes me happier then cradling a nice set of testicles and going bananna on some young mans penis.  However, after seing Twilight (both 1 and 2), I realized that nothing is more gayer than those movies, and now I am totally straight and diving face first into poonaner.

Thanks for keeping me from burning in Hell, Twilight is for fags!”
Sir Elton John

So there you have it.  Twilight is such a gay movie that it turns fags into straights.  Now before you think of seing such a stupid movie think to yourself: What Would Jesus Do?

I’ll tell you what he would do:

He would most likely staple himself to pressurized wood - rather than see these movies ever again…

Because that is how gay Twilight parts 1 & 2 are…