Chimper’s World

So I have been contacted with legal threats about my rants for making fun of some companies and I guess there are laws that state that I cannot slander such items, which is amusing because I am sure there are bigger opponents out there then little me.  Lawsuits are nothing new to me, in fact; I believe a person does not properly pass puberty until they have been shackled and thrown into court at least two times before they hit 21.  Once this feat is accomplished they become a proper member of society… and often help ACORN fuck up elections.

What makes me mad is I feel that my product placement and rants on items has actually helped made their company better.  Anyone can say that Duct Tape is cool…. but does anybody know the Duct Tape slogan?  I bet not.  So I have submitted an idea full of commercials to a few companies that produce it.  My slogan was “Duct Tape - Helping Serial Rapists Since 1942.”  Now I found this clever, and thought it was a great idea.  Imagine the awesome commercials!  My first one would show Natalie Halloway all bound up, getting ready to be placed in a crab cage and dumped in the Atlantic, and there you have the culprits tossing her overboard and thumb-upping the camera saying shit like ,”God Bless Duct Tape,” a quick flash to my slogan and BOOM… Best Marketing Idea Ever!

Sadly… I got a threatening letter from cindi.demers@us.henkel.com giving me threats.  Now this just makes me cry.  Read for yourself:

Dear Chimpers

We have read the multitude of ideas that you have submitted in regards to our product(s) and feel that it would be unwise to forward them to our development department.  Our products have assisted people for generations and we would like to continue this.  Using our product for the benefits of rape, murder, and bringing harm to third world countries is not something we wish to be involved in.  Not only is it not moral, but the majority of your ideas are illegal.  We are asking you, politely, to stop sending us your ideas before we are forced to take legal action.

Please understand:
C. Collins

ShurTech Brands, LLC
32150 Just Imagine Drive
Avon, OH 44011

How dare they?  Here I was spending a lengthy amount of time coming up with ways to bring this almost extinct product back into the mainstream and instead of being paradred through the city, I get threads?

I honestly expected to get the Nobel Peace Price because of this.  Obama wins it for doing absolutely nothing within the first 2 weeks of his Presidency other then bullshitting and saying what he wants to do, and here we are nearing the end of his first year and he hasn’t done shit… and he wins it?  Yet I come up with a brilliant plan to help an American made company and get pooped on for it?

Fuck you duct tape.  Nobody but redneck Nascar fans uses your shit product anyways.

I also got denied for my ideas on Peanut Butter & Crack sandwiches and how they helped the heavy protein intake many Floridian prostitutes have to deal with, but naturally they blocked my emails.  Once again, a great company doesn’t think of their future and how I could help.

It just makes me irate people do not understand that I could better their products.

I was gonna help out Home Depot and have a commercial of Jesus getting nailed on a cross, which would be a Home Depot factory-made reinforced 2 x 4, and have Jesus smiling and singing happy Home Depot songs, but now I won’t even bother because I bet they would whine and drop that idea also.  I mean.. come on..  “Jesus died on a 2 x 4 for your sins.”  It’s brilliant!

I quit.