Chimper’s World

So I just got out of the hospital a few days ago.

All this media attention about companies nobody cares about, like Disney & Marvel, have made me jealous, and naturally all the movies about super heroes made me want to be one. So I came up with this super cool original idea that would give me some kind of super powers. It is so original that I am surprised nobody has ever though of it before.

I decided to get myself bit by a radioactive spider in hopes that it would give me the ability to have super strength, wall climbing abilities, and the ability to shoot sticky shit out of my hands. I have not decided on a super hero name, but I would have called myself Spider-Something because it woulda been totally boss. I even had my own theme song that I was going to ask Slash to perform while people ranted about how I caught thieves like flies, it was the greatest idea I ever had!

So I found a lil nest of spiders. I was celebrating with a few too many drinks; which only improved my assurance, and I placed them inside the microwave. I put the timer on a few seconds, not enough to kill them but just enough to get them all nuked up with radiation. I saw the egg rip asunder and the little spiders came crawling out. I could taste my “Super Hero Serum’ (my own totally cool name) within my grasp. I reached in while all the spiders were writhing in nuclear pain and let them bite me. I could feel the raw power coursing throughout my skin!

I awoke a few days later in the hospital. The doctors said that my idea was stupid and would not have worked and that I was lucky to be alive and brown recluses are poisonous and some other mumbo jumbo. I had to sign release papers and now have to listen to some know it all asshole talk for 1 hour and 30 minutes every week about random shit with a bunch of drooling idiots sitting in a circle on cheap bar stools eating gummy bears and munching the ketchup off of paper plates. I’m not allowed to drive except to work and back and have to wear this electronic bracer on my leg that beeps when I go too far from my house for too long. I get to take a bunch of pills which taste like oatmeal and I hate oatmeal. I imagine this is a government plot to watch me in case the mutant virus is still inside me and it decides to come out and turn me into a super hero. I imagine I will no longer be good but totally bad now because the pills make me sick sometimes.

I might film myself practicing kung fu ninja moves, that only I know, preparing for when I become a super villain and place them on Youtube. I bet they would be so bad ass God would Tivo my sweet moves and learn something from me.

I won’t give up this awesome original idea anytime soon.