Chimper’s World

So here I am driving home, having to take the biggest dump in the history of modern civilization, trying desperately to hold my ass cheeks together while praying to any deity that would listen to me that I make it just 1 more mile to my house - where I can then plant myself on my porcelain throne and bask in triumphant glory as I squeeze out the 5 lbs of Taco Bell that I had devoured moments before.   This, however, was not reality and within my “home-stretch” the all-too-familiar red and blue lights and annoying siren blared loudly from behind me.  Within 0.32 seconds, after tossing away the idea of entering a high speed pursuit - just so I could shit properly, I pull over obediently knowing it would be a very bad and probably messy idea.

My hindsight did not disappoint me.

“Why were you driving so fast?  Do you have any idea the consequences you could face?”  Asks the pudgy interrogating police officer while staring at my face which was puffed out and redder then a sun burnt Native American.

“I have to take the biggest shit in the history of shits sir,”  Was my innocent reply.

He took my license and registration, and walked slowly back to his car.  I swear.. it was the slowest walk I have ever seen.  My eyes started to water, my car started to sway back and forth as I performed the infamous ‘poddy dance’ from inside my vehicle.  My lips burst forth like a Levee in New Orleans, and I knew within moments my asshole would burst like Mount St. Helens.

In what seemed like an eternity, the cop returned back and asked me again why I was speeding.

My body took this as a sign that he needed validation for my prior excuse….

My bodies physiology took over.

Now before I continue this story, I had about 2 hard taco’s, 1 beef burrito, an entire X-Large Dr. Pepper, & a chicken quesadilla.   I was starving, and since I knew i would not have dinner - I thought it safe to inhale an entire course that would last me the entire night.

The look on the cops face was priceless.  If the sound and intense screaming of me (which resembled intense labor pains) wasn’t enough to wake the dead - the vapor from my digested Taco Bell finished the trick.  He immediately projected vomit towards me in a way that would remind us of that hurling chick in the Exorcist.

Naturally, that made me vomit and any onlooker whom saw this would have mistook us for extras in a German Shizer Video.

He called for back up…. at this point… I was frozen.

Here I am in my car, my leather seats covered with crap and vomit, my hair a mess, my new shoes ruined, the entire floor board of my car was now a disgusting version of the Everglades.

A sheriff was on the scene within 2 minutes.  I heard the exclamation of “Good God” and he actually got on the loudspeaker to ask me how close I was from my home.  I replied back at the top of my remaining lungs.  Within moments I had a 2 car police escort motorcade to my house, where I bolted inside my door and over to the outside shower faster then Lindsey Lohan on a line of cocaine.

After a good hour of scrubbing and cleaning, I called up my friend whom owns a detail shop whom laughed at me and said he would come over to tow my car to his shop so he could clean everything up for me.  He was there laughing like a fiend the entire time with tears streaming down his face.

On my windshield was an apology from the original officer… and a $75 citation for no seat belt.