Chimper’s World

Imagine trying to squeeze out a loaf for 3 antagonizing hours and just as you think your finished and you hear that delightful plop in the porcelain throne, you realize it is not done and only continues.  Three lengthy hours where the only thought in your mind is that soon you will be able to stand up triumphantly and get the hell off the crapper, yet saddened at the intense waste of time that this has taken from your life.  Time that will never be refunded to you, lost time, and sadly wasted time.

That is what The Watchmen was to me.

When I first saw the previews for this movie I was immediately comparing it to the visual ecstasy that was ‘300’ and the sheer thought of foamy underroo’s was building on the horizon.  Counting down the days for something worthwhile to see in the movie theaters was taking so long, but when we got there I felt happier than gold medal Special Olympian.

Then the movie began.  Slow.  It ended the same way.. roughly 3 hours later.  It is because of this movie that I felt personally buttfucked by the director.

There honestly was no point in the movie where I could identify a climax because the entire movie was basically a flat line in action.   It was more dead the Terry Shiavo.

This is a movie of ‘has-been’ super heroes where almost all have no notable powers.  It was more dialogue then the last Superman movie.  The fight scenes were fist brawls that lasted less then 30 seconds, and I felt like I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil the entire time.  The only person in this movie whom had some sort of super powers was a man who was a blue night light and for ½ the movie you saw his glowy blue cock hovering around the scene.  You saw two really cheap soft porno type interludes and that is it.

Here is a short list of things I would rathers do then watch this pathetic movie again:

1.  Hug Obama or have a luncheon with Sharpton / Jackson.
2.  Lick the anus of a midget.
3.  Join the NAACP.
4.  Watch an entire season of American Idol.

The entire plot line of this movie was like an old Dick Tracy flick finding the murderer, and the arch villains super power is ‘being rich and smart.’  Nothing compared to true villians or true super heroes.

When I think of super hero movies, I think of flying or them shooting fireballs at eachother.  Super metal claws able to slice through anything and anyone.  Not some openly homosexual man whose biggest powers are a knowledge of martial arts, being rich, and having a college education.  On top of that you think of super heroes and villains dying in an epic battle right?  Well in this world, one of the super villains was dying of.. cancer.  That is as stupid as Wonder Woman getting drunk on Jesus Juice and dying of Syphillus like Kenny in SouthPark’s episode 1301.

I wanna see a real super hero movie, not a cgi glowing blue dick on my screen, that isn’t super.  You can hit up a dildo at any adult novelty store in the red light district for super cheap.  Hell, I rathers do that than watch this movie again.

Do something else… this movie isn’t even worth a bootleg copy.  I’m so mad.. I cried myself to sleep last night.. and had nightmares about blue glowing cock and balls.