Chimper’s World

Only a few things in life piss me off, and one of those things is these idiots that take their bicycles and ride on the street while wearing their tight spandex Richard Simmons clothing.

Here I am, minding my own business listening to some kind of relaxing music like Ramstein in the left hand lane forced to look at some anerexic dudes ass through his tight blue spandex while he is on his bicycle in front of me in the turning lane.  This pisses me off.  With his dorky little helmet with the mirror on it sipping on his bottled Aquafina.  Who the hell does he think he is?  He’s a bicycle not a car.  Get off the fucking road!

Then the light turns and he starts peddling.  Does he ride on the side walk?  No.

Does he ride on the lil strip next to it that is still considered the road to where I can door whack him like an illegal on a side road?  Nope.

He stays on the main road going 10 in a 35 mph area depriving me of reaching my normal speed of 55 mph. I’m yelling, I’m cussing, and he waves at me.. we hit the next light… and the most disgusting thing happens.

He says Hello.

Except he doesn’t say Hello like a normal person (American) he says Hello in French.

I almost instantly threw up because I have never been so insulted before.  Here it was, a French person in front of me saying hello in his ugly language.  Looking at me with ‘the bulge’ next to me, with his lil tard helmet on an oversized skinny BMX… ruining my new song which techno wouldn’t cure.

I was so mad. I almost ran him over, but wasn’t able to because he made a right turn… which only made me more mad cuz i wasn’t able to say crap back to him in Gods chosen language (English).

See… French people just make me sick.  With their wine sippie cups, big ugly mustaches, and drool that drops from them like excrement off a porn star during the credits.

Then you have their unshaven dirty bodies, their busted yellow teeth and coffee breathe, their striped clothing and the worst things in the history of worst things:

Mimes.

Mimes piss me off because they just walk around and pull invisible weapons out and do stupid things like walk in place and wear face paint and act like they are trapped in a fucking box - which totally wiggs out my claustrophobia.  If it was up to me Mimes would all be incinerated.

The only thing worse then mimes are French Canadians, real Canadians, and bicyclers who drive on the road… that turn out to be French wearing spandex and have helmets with mirrors on them drinking bottled water….

almost like Bird Watchers.. God I hate Bird Watchers to.   Oh My God!!!  Let’s pull the fuck over and look at the God Damned pigeon!  Look how beautiful it is… look how it gently takes a massive shit all over my nice new car that I just got done fucking washing!!!

And wtf is up with men wearing clothing that shows ‘the bulge.’  If you leave the house, and your pants are so tight that you can clearly see ‘the bulge’ you should be placed into a giant microwave and turned on high so you can obtain a slow shimmering death.

So sayeth The Chimpster!