Chimper’s World

For starters I apologize to my millions of fans for not updating anything, I have been busy volunteering at the Special Olympics and going to Church… HAHAHAHA.

In my absence a lot of thing have occurred and I am pleased to announce that I am allowed back into Wal-Mart. I was barred from entering one of their facilities for 3 years due to an incident where I had to educate a stupid individual. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to bring everybody up to speed:

Here I am minding my own business, like always, while shopping in Wal-Mart. Since I am an avid fan of the 20 items or less aisles, I made sure that I had exactly 19 items -sacrificing a bag of Snickers so I would abide by the rules like a great human being. I walk up to the check out region and I notice there is a bit of line – that is perfectly understandable, so I stand in the line and wait until it is my turn. This is when things started to go downhill.

Here I am standing behind some fat lady with 2 screaming children running around and grabbing things off the shelf. Does she do anything to control her children? Of course not. She is yapping on her cell phone while her kids cause havoc. I can ignore this. I do what my psychiatrist said to do and enter my ‘happy place’ counting down from 10 and breathing at a slow rate. Then these biological spillages decided to do the unthinkable… and entered my shopping cart… and grabbed my cookies and placed them on the floor.

I picked them up… said ‘not nice kid’ and put them in my cart, hoping to stay focused and not unleash hell upon these accidents. However, the mother was intent in getting a word in.

“Don’t talk to my kids like that.”

At this point I could foresee myself enter Hulk Mode. I started to turn red, my blood got hot, my face got puffy, I stood up straight, I let out a big audible puff of air and I stated 2 things politely:

“If you either stopped having kids you cannot take care of, or shut your fat mouth to watch your kids and being a better parent, this wouldn’t have happened.”

At this point this hefty Shrek looking beast lost her balance and looked as if she was going to feint.. then she started to yell at me in her native language.. clicking and squelching at me. I was forced to explain to her that, “This is America, speak English.”

At this point she took a step towards me… and in that brief second I noticed her cart holding a lot more then 20 items… I started to laugh.

“What is so funny?” She demanded.

I politely informed her that not only is she a failure of a parent, but borderline retarded as well. I explained to her what 20 items or less means and proceeded to walk towards her. At this point she knew I was about to slam her face first into the floor, so she backed up cautiously holding her kids close by. I walked to her cart… and took this bitch back to Seseme Street. I pulled each item out of her cart and tossed it at her stupid face and on the ground and at her kids…. counting passed 20 all the way up to 36 while she stood there with items bouncing off of her and collecting near her feet. I explained how she needs to go to school, give her kids up to a better home, or attempt suicide.
Security at Wal-Mart was pretty polite to me. They didn’t handcuff me with my hands in the back, but instead with my hands in front so it didn’t hurt that much. They wrote me a trespass and told me I was not allowed on the property for three years. The funny part is… that fat idiot got arrested because she shoved a cop that was trying to calm her down and restrain her.
Either way… I am allowed back at Wal-Mart, so I’m pretty happy. I also am glad that I got to help a lady out by explaining to her that she is stupid so she doesn’t live her life as a lie thinking she is smart. I hope she got her tubes tied.