Chimper’s World

For starters, if my true love ever gave me those shit presents that that poor sap got in that Christmas song - I would totally flip out.  Not a normal spazzoid attack, but going ballistic with my ‘fist of fury’ on the poor idiots cranium.  Not only is this song pure garbage, but actually having the nerve to give someone these presents is a repulsive and slimy revenge tactic. 

I decided to try and see what it would be like had someone given me this shit for 12 days.

 

On the first day of Christmas… that asshole gave to me: 

A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Ok look… I’m all about fruit.  I eat Oranges and Grapefruits and shit, but a Pear Tree?  I don’t even like pears.  I’ll eat them once in a while to taunt some starving homeless person or something, but who the fuck honestly gives somebody a pear tree as a gift?  As if that isn’t enough - this prick has the nerve to include a Partridge.  Congrats… shitty fruit and an annoying bird that will keep me up at night.  What a dick.

On the second day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Two Turtle Doves.

Wow…. I now have 3 birds total in my house with a fruit tree.  Turtle doves never shut the fuck up and shit all over the place.  They’re the Euro version of pigeons except not as dirty.  Congratulations me, I now have a carrier for germs in my house squawking 24-7 and trying to fuck my Partridge out of the Pear tree. 

On the third day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Three French Hens.

As if just being regular hens wouldn’t be bad enough, I now have something from France in my house.   Keep in mind I now have 6 total birds keeping me up all hours of the night.  Feathers all over the place, fighting for territory.  The amount of shit all over my floor is rising fast, and insomnia from their noises is starting to get to me.  What the hell would anybody do with having 3 french hens in their house? Talk about a cheap bastard and shitty presents.

On the fourth day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Four Calling Birds.

Ok… obviously this lunatic has something for birds.  I now have 10 things under 1 roof that have wings.  At this point, I would be getting the cops involved. 

On the fifth day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Five Golden Rings!

Awesome… bling bling for me.  Now this might not be bad.  I doubt I’ll need 5… so 4 would go to a pawn shop, and I would keep one for myself.  I imagine I would have to pay a lot of money to have my carpets cleaned and all these animals euthonized but hell..  this should leave me with some money in my pocket.  Finally, a real present… maybe this tard’s not that bad after all?

On the sixth day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Six Geese A Laying.

Ok…. just when I thought everything would be ok I now have 6 god damn geese laying shit on my doormat.  I just spent a load of money to have my entire house cleaned due to the other birds I was sent, and now I am back to housing 6 fricken bird things.  On the plus side, at least I’d have uber omelettes everyday.

On the seventh day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Seven Swans A Swimming.

Ok this is it.  I now have officially become an animal sanctuary.  What is a person supposed to do with 7 swans?  They are long necked ugly looking creatures that have a nasty temper and bite.  I have officially put a hit out on this persons life.  They do NOT STOP MAKING NOISE!

On the eighth day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Eight Maids A Milking.

This is either 8 lactating bitches in my house, or 8 hags with cows in an utter war.  Not only do I hate milk, but the amount of feces that these would cause would turn my perfect house into something off of Martin Luther King Blvd.  I always wanted to run my own seat shop, but never thought the milk industry would have a big pay off.  I now have become an accomplish to human trafficking. 

On the ninth day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

NINE PIPERS PIPING?!

You have to be fucking kidding me.   How can a person get any sleep when you have 9 people playing pipes throughout the hours of the night?  Not only that but you know how band people are when there are maids near by.  My house just turned into Orgryville.  I now have cows not being milked, pregnant maids, and piper playing assholes living it up in my once peaceful house 24-7.  Oh someone is FUCKING DEAD when I get my hands around their neck!

On the 10th day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Ten Ladies Dancing!

Oh it’s on… you now have a ratio of 9 pipers and 18 women under 1 roof.  As if the bickering wouldn’t rival that of The View, and the non stop catfights due to only 50% of them being able to claim a Piper, they put on their hooker moves and dance around like crackheads on US-1.   This will surely turn into a brawl with all the love triangles.  My house is officially a brothel!  I haven’t got any sleep lately due to the cows, the swans, the fucking between the maids and dancers and pipe players, and the egg laying geese… this place has gone down hill fast.

On the 11th day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Eleven Lords A Leaping!

Atleast the dancing ladies are satisfied but nobody else is.  Eleven fricken leaping lords prancing around my house like it’s New Orleans?  My house is now Mardi Gras.  The footsteps pounding on my ceiling upstairs when I try to catch a quick snooze is insane!  It’s non stop choreography, like a never ending episode of High School Musical.  I just want to die. 

On the 12th day of Christmas.. that asshole gave to me:

Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling!!!!

At this point… I officially would have killed myself.  Aside from the dancing and fuckfest going on in my house, the pipe music, the bird feathers and the cows… Having 12 fiddlers in a band war against the pipers would be the end of me.  I can no longer go through life like I have the last 12 days…  My death would surely be on someones hands.

 

So yeah…. that song totally pisses me off when you think about it.  What a mean dickhead to buy someone such presents.  I bet the giver in this song wanted the receiver to kill themselves.  I wonder if Anna Nicole Smith gave her husband these gifts to speed up the process during Christmas time.. what a dick thing to do.  God I hate Christmas songs.