Chimper’s World

My friends and I bought paintball guns and decided to have some fun.

Somehow I got pegged directly in the crotch and hit the ground instantly.  I don’t really remember landing on my face because I was too busy feeling to see if my testicles were intact.  The family jewels felt like they were rolled on by cleats.  While I was driven home, I must have passed out in pain.

I awoke in my jammies with a big pack of ice on my ‘privates’ and I swear I had frost bite cuz I couldn’t feel anything.  So I get up and hobble to the computer looking like a retarded Smeagol  from Lord of the Rings, and note I cannot sit down cuz I am in so much pain.  More importantly I couldn’t feel my bits and pieces… So… I try to ‘rub’ some sensation back into my middle areas.

Here I am at the edge of my chair gyrating my dick back and forth flopping it around trying to wake the damn thing up to bring some kinda sensation into it so I can get some feeling back.  I was so scared I would have to call 911 and declare my penis died.  So I’m rubbing my balls and bent half way over breathing towards my crotch so the warmth of my breath could heat it up some. 

I have no idea how long my friends were standing at my door watching me perform the ‘thawing out ritual’ but I do know after about 3 minutes of me holding a lighter to my sac area and trying to rub my areas to get warmth I heard laughter.  I spent over 30 minutes trying to persuade to them I wasn’t pleasuring myself and that I was frozen. 

Now all my friends think I was masturbating, what can I do?

- Lawrence

Dearest Lawrence….

Kill your friends and… HAHAHAH sucks to be you.  If your coworkers were cool they would give you Vaseline and latex gloves for the holidays.  But seriously… in my professional opinion… you were doing the deed and created an elaborate story to get out of it.  You got busted… naughty naughty you lil’ sinner!