Chimper’s World

Earlier this week I decided to put myself up for an auction in hopes of getting someone to buy me some phat lootz! Sadly, the highest bidder was placed by some midget whom I have never met. I am kind of scared because he took the auction seriously and keeps calling me Buttercup and writing me fancy love letters declaring how I am, “The One.” For starters… I don’t date midgets. I imagine that having sex with a midget would be really odd because it would make me feel like a pedophile or something. However, it kinda would be fun because then I could roleplay and act like I am being fucked by a hobbit. I would be like, “Ha Ha Frodo! Take that to Mordor with your one ring!”

Anyways…. I have declared that I will marry someone that buys me a Nintendo Wii. My last one oddly fell out the window, down my lawn, and into the river because I couldn’t beat something in Grand Theft Auto, however with repeated therapy I contained my anger and am willing to get another one.. at no cost!

However, I want to make sure I put some stipulations in this:

For starters, this relationship will only last until the next generation consoles come out after the Nintendo Wii and you then can choose to extend your ownership of me by purchasing me one of those systems, or to bow out and let someone else sugar coat my every need. That way, I am sorta on a lease agreement.

If our relationship turns sour:
You get the kids and I get to keep the Nintendo Wii. If I have to pay child support for the little dribbles then you have to pay the massive electricity bills I will be racking up by playing my new Nintendo Wii 27 hrs a day until my titties drop and I end up running around naked seeking mental handicap benefits.

I am not a prostitute:
Hookers sleep with people for money. I am sleeping with people for a Nintendo Wii…. there is a big difference because on the ladder of social economics… a Nintendo Wii goes far beyond that of mere money. The Oxford Dictionary also defines ‘prostitute’ as a person from Daytona that uses the word- Entrepreneur, and has Lebanese descendants. You don’t want to fuck with those people at Oxford.

In our relationship, I need ‘alone time’ with my Nintendo Wii:
There comes a time when people must please themselves and by doing so they need to be locked inside a room with just the Nintendo Wii and a box of baby wipes. No questions asked. Just leave me alone for anywhere between 20 seconds to 3 hours depending on my mood.

In case of an emergency:
We need to prioritize things for survival. Naturally, in case there is a loss of electricity then powering my Nintendo Wii comes before medication, food, and you tho not in that order… (as food would come first before medication). It is your duty as the provider to make sure nothing happens to my Nintendo Wii in case I am forced to work or angry pirates and ninja rebels break into the house to pillage my belongings. There is NOTHING wrong with taking a bullet or Chinese throwing star for the greater good… and by that I mean making sure my Nintendo Wii does not get damaged no matter what. If something happens to the life of the provider in saving my Nintendo Wii then you will be honored every time I push pause and my next main character on Final Fantasy will be named after you.

4 Basic Food Groups Renamed:
Due to popularity of the new Nintendo Wii, I have inside information that the 4 basic food groups will be renamed to accommodate this new system. I don’t know how they will do this, but I know sex, porn, and the Nintendo Wii will be added to the new revised edition as they are equally important to… food… Dr. Pepper… uhm… ice cream… and uhm…. whatever else the other one was… pizza I think? I dunno.

My Happiness = Everybody’s Happiness:
It is common sense that when I am in a pissy mood, then everyone gets treated badly… therefore my happiness is top priority. When I come home from work sometimes I may need to relax a bit. Meaning keep the kids, pets, yourself, phone calls, gossip, news, drama, germs, bitching, or anything not important away from me. I don’t care if someone died, has the plague, or about any current events including nuclear, biblical, or zombie attacks. I often do not care what you did today because the life of you is not nearly important compared to that of the life of me. So either way… if I am in a bad mood.. put on my Nintendo Wii and make sure the soda and snacks keep coming. If you want to touch me… let me know so I can lie back, raise my controller up, and rest it on the top of your head while you do what you do and I can continue to play my Nintendo Wii.

No It’s Not A 2 Player Game:
Nothing is more annoying then having a kid wander in and say ‘cool can I play?’ Because kids cannot play video games. They just push the buttons and sometimes get lucky by opening up an unlimited combo. I won’t let you win either. I hate when someone pussy’s out and lets someone win because it often goes to the lil shit’s head and they don’t know how to drop it when bragging to their friends about how they pwnd you. This also goes for friends. My games are for the most important person in the world to play: Me.

Just in case this plan fails.. I wrote a letter to Santa. I kinda lied to him a bit… but I had to make it a tad more believable so he would prioritize me and send me a Nintendo Wii.

Dear Santa:
I am 7 yeers old. I have a terminol sickness and wil nawt be alive foh very lawng! I have been gudd for my life and have even dedicat’d hours of volunter hours helping homeles people and geveng money to the poor. I treet everybody nice and love animols. I really would like more thAn anything, including a cure for my disease, a Nintendo Wii. It is all i want for christmos. It would make me happy to play it and beeng able to git sometheng in return for all the nice thengs I did this lifetime… which (in case u forgot is gonna end soon cuz i got terminols diseeses). The docturs say I dawnt have long to live.. so if I had one wish it wood be for a Nintendo wii system. I have never lied in my life and I am so well behav’d. Pleese Santa… find this spot in your hart to give me my last dying wish. You wouldn’t want me to die and tell everybody how you stiffed a dying 7 yeer old from his last present would you? dont be a jew.

With Love…
A 7 year old who is dying soon who wants a nintendo Wii reely baddley.

PS: The docturs tawld me that having a Nintendo Wii will improve my chanses to live by 600% so please get me one so I dawnt die ok? Throw me a frickin bone since aparently God didn’t.

I’m pretty sure he will fall for it… Unless he’s a real dick head. Who knows. I also sent this to the Make A Wish Foundations, cuz I see lil priemies on TV getting what they want, so I figured it a good bet.

I also accept donations. There is a button on the top of my page you can donate moneys to. It all goes towards the most important thing in the world: buying more video games.