Chimper’s World

1.  When you have a Thunder-Shit.  This is the term for when your asshole is holding back a gigantic log of sizable force to where the poop gets propelled from your O-Ring at such a speed, that it hits the water and creates a waterspout of poopy-liquid back up to your ass crack. 

 
2.  People that say ‘know what I’m sayin?’ or, "and then I said…" while telling a story.  I don’t need to be dictated to what you said when you are telling me what you were saying within your story boundaries.  This is really bothersome and occurs often in the urban culture.  The only time when this shit was funny was when Ernest did it- and that crazy fucker did everything from Saving Christmas, to Going to Jail, to being Scared Stupid… I miss him.

3.  When you let one out and you hear a bubble afterwards to the point where you know something accidentally fired, but your unable to do anything about it so you penguin walk your way to the nearest restroom in hopes of not finding a surprise.  This is especially bad during business meetings.

4.  People with bad accents that ask me if I understand English.  This happened to me the other day, and it took every ounce of willpower to ask the person if they had legal status inside ‘my’ country.

5.  People that have really really big dogs but give them really really lame shit names.  Such as my friend, who has a Bull Mastiff and calls him Muffin.  His car should be repossessed and used to run over his children as punishment for being so stupid.  I also want to include this fate to anyone that names a kid a repetitious name such as:  William Williams or Johnny Johnson.  This also coincides along with famous people that name their kids stupid shit such as:  Apple.

6.  Babies that do not stop crying and their hick parents that bring them in movie theaters.  These tiny tax write off’s always cry in theaters and gurgle when I am trying to watch a movie.  Shut your little mistake up when people are around!  Someone would get rich if they invented lil kid bubbles so they can roll around with on the floor like the things Hamsters have!

7.  People that drive around with their midget sized country of origin’s flag on their front view mirror.  If you want to parade your ugly flag and show ‘pride’ then show it back in your country.  Why are you here in the USA if you want to be prideful of other places?  Go back there you traitor.  In this country we are all AMERICANS.  I’m sure we can find someone else of legal status to finish building that brick wall and picking oranges.

8.  Really large chicks that wear belly showing shirts that read "Princess," "fairy," or "Baby" on it.  These self help catch phrases make me want to puke in my mouth and have an aneurysm.  You do not look good, you look like the Marshmallow Man, from Ghostbusters, with tits.  Nobody wants to dick you down…   I have some fat friends….  fat  people are the most friendliest and jovial people on the planet, yet you will not see them wearing stuff that gravity should outlaw, talking with fake ego’s and bullshit pride,  and  sporting clothing  with lil slogans like ‘mmmmmhmm’ and ‘come on over, show me whatcha got!"  I’ll show your fat ass what I got.  A shotgun so that I put you out of your misery and the planet goes down a few notches with mass.  Have respect for yourself, your family, and anyone with the vision above that of blind.  

9.  People with swamp tummy wearing cut off shirts so we can see their massive C-Section scars or their folds of fat and afterbirth, battling to get out of the foils of clothing so it can plop in view of everyone that accidentally mistook them for attractive human beings.  In this same aspect, flat chested people need to be noticed as handicaps.  If obese people can bitch and complain then girls with no titties need to have that ability so a special government trust fund can get started and give these girls something to make them look better.  Until then they need to stay inside and do something helpful such as not go outside in public view or chomp on some vitamins.

10.  Men with ‘fake grills.’  A popular fad that is pissing me off is men who walk around with tin foil looking shit in their teeth.  Congrats, you now are showing off bling in your mouth.  What’s next?  Sticking platinum around your anus?  Nobody cares that your fake jewelry hides your Meth damaged teeth, so stop wearing it outside or even at all like it makes you look cool.  It makes you look stupid.  I don’t care what race you are.. black.. or wigger, you should be tied between two pick up trucks and ripped apart as they speed in opposite directions for even wearing such a thing.  In this same category, I’m going to add baggy pants to the mix.  Pants were made to cover you up.  Nobody wants to see your jungle ass sticking out.  What’s more pathetic is these idiots who wear a belt, let it droop down, but still need to hold their pants up.  I fail to see how this is a cool style.  If I become President, I would most likely have these people put to death.  Coincidently, doing so would most likely decrease welfare spending by 95%.