Chimper’s World

Email #1:

Hello.  My name is Christian and I had something interesting happen to me today and need some advice on what will happen.

Here I was last night rummaging in the kitchen for some Prozac or some pills to cheer me up, or perhaps to blitz me out of my mind and knock me out so I could sleep.  I found some and took a few.

I knew something was odd when it had a tiny calendar thing on it, but I was like, “cool,  now I know how many to take so I can OD.”

In truth.. I think I took my ex’s birth control pills.

Will I die?  And will my meaty sword still be functional?

Email #2:

Just letting you know that I am doing very well lately.  I did not grow a vagina over night, which was my biggest fear.  I don’t know what I would do had I grown that and Poison Control sure got a good laugh when I explained to them what I did and questioned them on if I would pop out a baby from my newly formed vagina.  I do not think I would last long as a girl,  most likely I would be a lesbian, and try to make a video involving another hot chick and Quaaludes in her drink.  That seems to work for me.

I have slight indigestion, explosive diarrhea, a pimple near my poop chute,  and my eyes tend to twitch, but I stopped shaking and more importantly I did not grow a vagina yet.  So I will update you all on my progress as time moves on.

I learned to make sure on what I take next time, because birth control taste bad and I imagine not good for you if you have a dick,  however, the calendar is cool.  I now carry it around so I know what day of the week it is and put aspirin and Tylenol in it, but chicks sure look at me weird.   I think they are jealous because they know that if I started to sprout tits and a vagina I would be more bangable as a girl then they are.  I would even be a cheerleader I think.  Even I would bang me I think.

Email: 3

This incident occurred again, I believe God is adamant on making me grow a vagina.  Luckily, I have experience in this pill and his devious ways to bring out my female side, so I did not panic as much as I did last time.  I also would like to note that birth control pills do not cure headaches or muscle aches, in fact the only thing they do is make me go shit a lot.  Either way, I just want you to know I am safe and I have not grown a vagina.   I am kind of sad about this.  If I keep pumping myself with these, do you think I could grow a vagina?

Christian:

I admire the fact that you have contributed greatly to science in one of the questions that has plagued people for long time -  What happens if men take Birth Control?  Experimentalists everywhere have wondered about this, but all have been to weak-sauce to ever try such a thing.  You truly are the world’s best Guinea Pig.

Having a vagina is not always fun because it’s like having a trunk that everybody wants to use.  When you have extra space in it, someone always wants to put something in it.  Overtime, you get so much stuff packed in there that your vagina ends up looking like an overstuffed trunk of  a Geo Metro and that is not attractive.  On top of that you get mood swings and an unnatural craving for chocolate and ice cream.  Having a vagina ends up costing about $65 a month.  That deprives you of about 1 new video game a month, is it really worth it?