Masterbatitus
by admin on Nov.01, 2008, under Advice
Since my child has turned 13 he has been very anti social with the family. He closes his bedroom door, locks it, and doesn’t answer when I call. When I tell him supper is ready he takes longer then normal to come out and always is depressed. What should I do and what is causing this?
Janice Parker - Ohio
I am so glad you came to me with this question, I have actually discovered an epidemic that is spreading like wildfire.
I have discovered a pandemic occurring called Masterbatitus. I believe it is a mental imbalance that typically effects males entering adolescence . It causes sporadic movement of the wrists which often evolves into Carpal Tunnels Syndrome as well as dehydrates the bodily fluids causing muscle tension and an increase to bank funds for Internet pornography sites. Severe cases end up with respiratory problems and hairy palms.
People that suffer from Masterbatitus are often identified as secluded individuals that stay in home and use an obsessive amount of Kleenex Tissues. They often lock the doors and from within the secluded and darkened room you can hear soft moaning and spanking noises, a sure sign that Internet porn is in use. The patient often comes outside after roughly 1 minute and 12 seconds often sweating and gasping for hair.
It is important to not assist the subject affiliated with Masterbatitus which includes not buying the subject any type of pornographic material or prostitutes. If you or somebody you know suffers from Masterbatitus then it is important to contact your local health center for more information.
It is very important you donate to my research funds, as your child may not have long to live. Some advanced cases suggest that he could grow blind. So if you would like to make a donation to enhance my bank account please contact me, and remember… Masterbatitus can happen to you, when you least expect it. I promise, with proper funding, to focus everything I have to curing this disease so send me as much as you can. Contact me for payment options.
In the meantime, tell all your child’s friends that he has Masterbatitus, and perhaps hand out flyers and place them around his school so his peers can understand.
