Chimper’s World

Aries: As usual nobody likes you. Your relationship is a fraud and the
person you like is or will be bumping nasties with your best friend. Your parents think you like members of the same sex. You should kill them and then come out of the closet. Don’t take long trips because chances are you will not get anywhere because you are broke, stupid, and ugly. Your lucky number is 3… because that’s how many brain cells you have left.

Taurus: You’re a dickhead. Your friends just use you for money and if you ever have a real relationship with something other then your hand, they will only love you for your money.  Committing suicide this week would totally do you justice because it would make others laugh and feel better about themselves. Your lucky number is 7.. because that’s how many chromosomes you have you genetic fuck up.

Gemini: Someone likes you. However, that someone has the eyesight of Helen Keller so it really don’t matter. Good news is this is your week so congratulations. Prepare to go to work and get reamed in the ass by society because you are the lil man on the totem pole. It’s time to put your childhood skills of torturing your sisters (or brothers) Barbie Dolls to good use and find out where your co-workers live so you can teach them not to fuck with you. You’re lucky number is 0… because that’s how many people you will actually have sex with before you die.

Cancer: Your friends look up to you and think you are cool. Everyone you hang out with loves you. Sadly, the only people you know are complete losers and have the mental capacity of Terry Shiavo. Perhaps it is time to not have sex with animals anymore and get that green spot on your genitalia looked at by a certified doctor. Your lucky number is 13 because you were educated in the South and that is as high as you can count.

Leo: The voices in your head have a point… you truly are a waste of space. Show all your friends a lesson and run around naked on the expressway. Not only is this a cool initiation to being an adult, but you will get put into a cool home with nice white walls and other friends that think they are Super Heroes. Make sure the expressway has heavy traffic so your friends will be doubly impressed by your bravery. If you see truckers… yell out obscenities and flip em the bird. They love that!  You don’t get a lucky number because you are not important.

Virgo: The whore sign of the zodiac. Most likely you have had sex over 200 times and can yodle out of your vagina and if you do not have a vagina, then you have a small dick that looks more like an ingrown hair follicle.  You are the punch line to every one liner because you have no other purpose in the world except to amuse everybody else. You will most likely have kids and lose them to the state because you are a horrible parent. You will die of AIDS. 

Libra:  Someone you hate will become your best friend, but end up exploiting you to obtain your position and thus you will end up panhandling on the off ramps.  Your pet will die a slow horrendous death so it’s compassionate to speed up the process and just get the deed over with in a way that involves either a blender or a weed whacker.  Save the pelt and wear it on your head then run around naked telling people you are the Banana Man.  Find a police officer and explain to them ways they can have sexual orientation with themselves.  They will love you forever for bestowing them such potent information since most cops cheat on their wives anyway just like Marines.  Your lucky number is 43 because that is how many consecutive life sentences you will most likely end up having to serve.

Scorpio:  It’s well known that your sign means you are the asshole of the group and this is true.  You really have no friends and every stereotype is true about yourself.  You are unhappy and miserble and get off on making small children cry.  You really have no place in society so why not use your superior intelligence and hit the beach.  Here you can build sandcastles and take it a step further and create a sand city… then kidnap children and take them to your city.  Be sure to dress in Nordic Gear so that people think you are cool.  Every sand city or ’sandcioty’ is never equipped unless it has it’s very own dungeon and what fun games you can play with the children in the dungeon!  Be sure to record this and mail it to your parents so that they can see what a prodigy you have become before they erase themselves from the population overflow.  Most likely you will be shot by law enforcement officials but atleast you will die knowing that you were in Nordic Gear… and that is truly the coolest way to go. 

Sagittarius:  Jovial,  good humored, honest, straightforward, and pretty much the dullest person at the party… atl east those that accidentally invite you.  Face it.  Your sign is a half man half horse dude with a bow and arrow kit.  The stars blessed you at birth by being a full pledged pussy.  They say you are intelligent and philosophical but face it.. the last book you read ended with the words:  "For Dummy’s" and you still don’t understand jack-shit about what you just read.  Stick to things you are more suitable for… like being a trash man or the poor asshole that cleans out toilets at sporting events.  You define loser.  Your lucky number is:  F.  Because that’s the only grade you got because you’re too fucking stupid to know numbers from letters.  Die in a fire. 

Capricorn:  Congrats your sign is a goat.  Irish and Scottish people everywhere have plugged the assholes of your zodiac sign for centuries.  Now you know where those sexual urges involving your house pets come from.  Your lucky number is ‘0′ because it looks like an anus and that’s the only thing you see half the time until you get caught and thrown in jail… then the heritage of the goat passes on with all your Scottish and Irish cell mates.  Bahhhhh!  (_O_)

Aquarius:  The water sign.  Cute.  Water has always been the universal solvent… whatever the fuck that means.  Water holds the basic elements of life… and no you stupid hippies out there.. that don’t mean dolphins and pretty colorful fishies!  They say your sign means you are honest and loyal… too bad your significant other isn’t that way when you leave for work and the pool man comes over to teach her what your limp dick neglects.  On the flip side, you dumb ladies honestly think that she is just a secretary?  How many ‘gotta work overtime’ calls are you gonna take before you get the hint you stupid douche?  It is times like this that you should enjoy the finer things in life… like… suicide. 

Pisces:  Last but not least we come to the fish sign, suitable named for you because that is what you smell like.  Take a bath or better yet submerge yourself in acid.  It’s nice to know that on the social ladder you are a fish… what is more awesome then being a fish on the zodiac?  I dunno… how about… almost everything?  Just like a stupid fish you spend your time stoned out of your mind wandering around like a homeless dude in search of a handjob.  Everyone thinks you are mentally unstable but in truth you are just stupid.  You will never have a real life relationship because you will always be broke.  Try robbing a bank… that’s my advice.  That will be your only chance of ever being on TV.  You will die while playing Dungeons and Dragons alone in your parents basement.  Loser.