Chimper’s World

Dear asshole.

all you do is pick on people especially emo people.  emo people would beat your ass hands down. get a life.  Hide behind the computer more you key pushing fagg dyke ho punk.

Firstly I am not an asshole, though shit does seem to spew from my mouth from time to time especially when I am forced to deal with somebody like yourself.  I do not always pick on people - that statement is an outrage!  I have often picked on other things such as animals, religion, different peoples beliefs that defy the fact that my opinions are superior, the entire French population, Canada and everything in it, as well as retarded people (which I do not consider should be listed in the same category as ‘people’). 

That all aside, I understand your concern to defend the emo population because nobody else seems to be standing up for those troubled youths.  I want you to understand that to pick on emo’s one must first understand the emo way of life.  Here is a quick list:

1.  Cheap K-Mart bought technicolor hair dye.
2.  Must be in a boy band or a garage band that they think is actually good.
3.  Groupies ranging from ages 12 - 15.
4.  Hair to one side with random blotches of make up or finger paint somewhere on their persons.
5.  Clothing that is so tight, rednecks make fun of you.
6.  A high amount of suicide threats (Codename:  Pussy-Attention tactic numero 17), which shall never get finalized.
7.  Light scars on their wrists from cutting themselves in hopes that somebody will ask, ‘what it is so’ they can get pity.

These are just a few ways to identify emo mistakes.  You may see them in your school off to the corner, because the typical emo kid never socializes because they have to portray the behavior of lonely and depressed so somebody  talks to them.  They often have a notepad to write sappy ass poetry in while they have their girly I-Pod Mini blaring Chemical Romance crap.

Emo kids are the most non dangerous group in the world.  There is not one known attack of an emo kid in recorded history.

Angry emo kids are often a rare thing but it does sometimes happen.  You can spot an angry emo kid by the mascara that is running down his or her cheeks.  The best way to avoid  these individuals is to call them a ‘pussy’ and tell them to do the world a favor and kill themselves.  Since emo kids are a big population of pussies they will not do it and will silently walk away in defeat. 

There are 2 types of emo kids:  Bisexual males, and Bisexual females.  Both of these groups often are located in Hot Topik stores, Spencers, or in EB Games buying the latest version of Dance Dance Revolution (cuz face it, there ain’t no other game that damned pathetic).  The bisexual males claim they are straight because they are too afraid to admit they are something else so they will coin the phrase metrosexual believing that it is non-conformist and original.  What they do not realize is members of the homosexual party organized the metrosexual group so that emo kids wouldn’t give homosexuals a bad name.  Metrosexuals often declare how hot women are, but in the end dress up in females clothing (as seen often on their wrist where pantyhose are often worn), and tuck their wang between their legs so they can get a visual look at what a vagina looks like.  Metrosexuals only hang out  with eachother and often smoke weed, cigarettes, and drink because they think it is cool.  Often they are located living at home with their mom and dad until they are in their 30s.  They also spell fag with 2 g’s and mix random gender slurs to attack a target like the person who sent me this letter, even tho he knows how to properly spell the word because he has a problem with his own sexual identity.  They also string together insults like:  fagg dyke ho punk, in hopes that one is correct and will hit squarely. 

The female population of the emo’s are all fat, often wear black clothing, and have multi colored hair that looks like a bird shit all over it.  The fat ones think they look good and have a false ego, but by the end of the day they know they are not so they cry themselves to sleep hoping to never wake up.   You can find this species lurking in Starbucks munching on gothcakes trying to make friends with the other losers that camp there on their laptops typing away on Myspace.

Skinny emo girls dress this way only for attention or because they like the way to fad looks.  These are acceptable, except the ones that look good and complain about how ugly they look.  Those are called whores.  They often flash their boobs on webcams and post 500 bulletins a day on random sites about how fat they are so people will leave them comments and replies to make them feel wanted and appreciated.  They fish for compliments because they are amidst loser denial.   These girls should be avoided because they have had so many slabs of meat jammed inside them that the Greek Titan Atlas wouldn’t even be able to touch their vaginal walls.  Beware of these women that cry for attention because they will end up declaring their love for you just because you looked at them (mostly to laugh at them for being an attention whore). 

The peoples that dress emo for a fad are often cool, and in my opinion, government moles  to infiltrate this population for research.

A lot of people have asked me, what makes you so smart and knowledgeable against the emo ways?  The answer is simple:  I have grown up watching and worshiping some of the coolest kick ass people and by doing so I can completely view the opposite side of the spectrum and declare that to be emo.  This might be hard to understand so lets have a few examples:

Bonnie and Clyde:  This is perhaps the worlds best kick ass duo.  They drove around knocking over banks, talking shit, and didn’t care about the law or anyone that stood in their way.  They also had an AK-47 and a Glock and capped people non stop which originated drive by shootings that rap artists are so fond with.  Bonnie and Clyde drove a Dodge Viper and almost always had the top down even in snow because they were so awesome the cold was afraid to go near them.  Bonnie and Clyde pioneered Airplane Hijackings, deforestation, plundering, and biceps.  They also were the first hardcore porn duo and the first duo to introduce a midget into the mix just for bragging rights.  It is rumored that Clyde found the G-Spot, but nobody since this duo has been found worthy of knowing where it is, so he took the secret to his grave.  Such is the power of Bonnie and Clyde. 

 
Paul Bunyon:  This hulking man didn’t give a fuck about PETA or any of those cry baby hippies.  He had a big axe, a fucking ox, and an unlimited supply of dynamite and all he did was kick the shit out of Mother Nature.  Paul Bunyon wore plaid and blue jeans, and lived for the sole purpose of deforestation - which he invented just to fuck over the planet!

Darth Vader:  This intergalactic pimp was the first person to be listed under the adjective of Bad Ass Mother Fucker.  This man not only had the first pimp suit and pimp ride, but he would walk around slapping bitches for no reason other then it being the cool thing to do.  When he came home, Mrs. Vader had a 4 course meal all ready for him because she knew where her place was and where she belonged in the Vader House.  Not only did this bad ass blow planets up with an advanced version of Cybertron, and not only did he roam around the fucking space blasting the shit out of hippies, but he faked having asthma so his opponents thought he had a weakness, then he chopped them down with a giant pink sword because he wanted people to die with the fact that they got served by a neon pink sword - and that just brought shame to them even after death.  His chest box was the first known device to have call waiting, speed dial, and caller ID.  It is rumored that it stored over 1,000 chicks names in it for when Vader was bored and needed a Galactic Quicky.  Darth Vader is also known for his infamous line, "I’m the babies daddy," which was translated to the now known PG version of "I’m your father," because the Censors were being dicks.  Since then, entire populations have been using this line in honor of this monumental icon of asskicking.

The list goes on and on and on, but I think my point is made.  The above people mentioned were not pansies.  I grew up worshiping these idols, and so by seeing how cool they were, I imagine what the opposite is and what it must be like to be ‘uncool’ and then I can easily spot a potential candidate for emo.  I also would like to coin the phrase emophobia and emophillia.  Emophobia is the fear of being near these lowlife and dirty individuals.  Emophillia is the art of grinding the nasties with a fat emo kid.

I hope I helped you out in my reply to your mail about emo kids.  If you have any further  questions please feel free to ask.