Chimper’s World

Normally I wouldn’t be biased before seeing a movie, however I will admit first and foremost I am a friend of random slasher movies with little to no plot, as long as over 100 people get killed (except House of a Thousand Corpses which was the worst movie I have ever seen).  It is known that I am a major fan of zombie movies so I was excited to see this one and learned a lot.

Ladies and gentleman’s… fanboi’s and fangina’s… this movie has it all. Everything from zombie killer clowns to cheerleaders gone wild to angry black men to renegade Mexicans. What more do you want in a movie then rabid decrepit monsters that didn’t cut it in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video tearing the throats out of unsuspecting rich people?

You know a movie is good when 2 things occur in the theater:

1.   Pre Teen girls start getting scared and screaming for every lil thing.

2.  Little children bawl tears that would send Noah to the workshop to where the Parents literally get up to escort the lil accidents to the lobby.

Those things define a good movie.

Personally I would rank this movie the best Romero did. I would actually say this surpasses the 28 days later zombie/virus movie… ok now I know some of you lil tards are going, "But Poopsikins…. 28 Days Later was not cool." Well my lil fans… you are wrong. For starters I define what is cool and what isn’t and therefore 28 Days Later was great… and secondly… ain’t nothing better then watching Euro Trash gone awry to the point where they run all over mindlessly like the last 3 minutes of Benny Hill. If for some reason you do not like 28 Days Later then it is time you reevaluate your life and realize that you do not fit in and thus it’s best to do the world a favor and stop fueling the surplus population. (aka Click Click Boom)!!!

I learned a few things about zombies by watching this movie… For starters… Cher is a zombie. Another thing is… I am kinda glad I live in the South. For those of you who have no knowledge of where I live, I am in Daytona Beach.. smack in the midst of the biggest redneck areas in the state: Samsula and Bunnel. Those 2 towns are the outskirts of our fair and polluted city. I’m talking about trailer trash, whitebread, hicks whose family tree’s do complete U-Turns. In this movie the last human settlements fortified themselves in cities that had water all around em and bridges they could hoist up etc. This is a great idea because zombies are dead…. so naturally ehh…. they are… afraid.. uh… to drown… yah… k?  I didn’t get that point either, but that is alright!.

This movie had a good idea but everyone knows the safest place is in the South… smack here in the forests and trailer parks of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and anywhere else that makes you go, "hmm… I know they kin but damn look at dat ass." Here’s how you know if you are safe in your rural redneck community… one of your neighbors names is Skeeter. That’s a sure fire winner right there. In this movie crazy rednecks would go out and start shooting around etc. Nothing cooler then that I agree. Hence that is why I would prefer a red pick up with a rebel flag and a crazy hick named Skeeter then a walled city with Dennis Hopper and John Liguizomo.

The acting in this movie was pretty decent. I will give it a special star because it had a cool scene involving a gangster midget… angry hookers… and of course… crazy zombies ranging from those I already listed to Butcher Zombies to lawn mowing zombies to zombies that played musical instruments better then most high school marching bands. This movie made me jump a lot… it was scary… and it made me drop my Dr. Pepper (I adore the soda known as Dr. Pepper).

Since I normally wrap this up with a few movie tips to help you retards out a bit, I will keep this one simple in respect to this great movie.

Tips on if zombies are after you:

#1. White women will always scream and look behind them under any circumstance when chased by anything. Let it be a man in a hockey mask.. a burn victim with a glove full of razors… an idiot in a Scream Mask… stupid zombies that move at 1mph but for some reason no matter how fast you run always gain on you. etc.  If you find yourself in the midst of a zombie raid… find white women and just toss em at the zombies… because everyone knows they would only fall and trip you and cry for your help which .. always leads to your demise.

#2. Black people will never use a loaded gun against a zombie but will talk trash to it before bashing it with a weapon. If you find yourself with zombies and a black dude has a gun… take the gun.. give him a shovel. For some reason black people do better with these weapons and will often win against a group of zombies opposed to the simpler tactic of shooting them. This gets you more ammunition. Personally black people are born with +7 in their spec line of smashing. If you live in any major city you would understand this better. Take the gun… give the brother a piece of wood. He will thank you because chances are… he can’t shoot. The only time they can shoot is when sniping a rap artist or in stupid movies involving the inner city.

#3. Never wear headphones when you know zombies have taken over the planet. If I am in midst of Zombieville the last thing I would be doing is listening to Metalica. This is where you use common sense and realize, "hmm that’s just not a good idea." Rest assured… some idiots decide to not listen.. and you know what happens.

#4. Zombies love porno. Every time a zombie attacked a man… it was fast and brutal. Every time a zombie attacks a woman.. he did his best Peter North impression and mounted her gyrating her to pieces like Thibbledorf Pwent in an RA Salvatore novel.

#5. John Liguizamo rocks. Just had to toss this one in here.

#6. Last but not least,, Zombies love babies. If for some reason you find yourself in the realm of the undead why keep your baby around? You know the extra baggage will get you killed. You know that it’ll cry or whine for some stupid reason in the worst time. Naturally zombies will hear this and maul you and the stupid accident into oblivion. Granted an army of zombie babies MIGHT be cool to see however just toss your lil mistake at the zombies and run. In a world where these creatures are after your flesh its survival of the fittest and babies just are not fit. They are like lil tender baby deer meat. If you die you can’t enjoy your baby… if your baby dies and you live.. you can make another easily. Only takes a few seconds. Duh!