Chimper’s World

I am going to make this review very easy to understand so that both the white trash, trailer trash, and uneducated Yankee’s of the Internet can breeze thru it with little difficulty.

Ridley Scott screwed me out of money. I saw Gladiator and thought it was a great movie. It would have been better if it wasn’t plagued by Russel frickin’ Crowe and his horrible Euro Gutter lame accent. I dislike Russel Crowe. I find that he should only be used on The Lifetime Network since all that channel has on it these days is obese chicks crying about rape because that’s the only form of sexual activity those floozies can achieve, or spousal abuse by some hidden lesbian affair, or some random divorce flick on the trials and tribulations of being a single parent.   I’m tired of this shit!  That is all Russel Crowe is good for:  Crying and complaining about everything. Take away his academy award and give him a box of Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Shampoo and a jumbo size EZ-Fit Box of Tampons.

So I saw this movie thinking it might be good. Holy Crap was I wrong. This whole movie was like Pearl Harbor with small skirmishes. Then when you got to the battle scenes it was like Michael J. Fox and the Parkinson’s Crew were doing all the camera work. During the fights the camera men shook more then an anorexic Puerto Rican chick in the ghetto. The Blair Witch Project had better camera angle then this movie.

Also I want to state something for the records: I have found Bin Laden. That is right me, I have found this terrorist and demands the $1 million reward. You know where he is? Playing the part of every damn Muslim in that movie. I kid you not… they all looked the same… and the lead Muslim guy looked just like Bin Laden to the extreme. At first I used to pity the militaries’s activities thinking either 2 things.. (1) Bin Laden is a product of the Republicans put here to gain a common enemy for Americans to gear towards and thus validate a war or (2) they already have him but want to continue beefing the effort over there. Well little did I know the answer is (3)… every damn Muslim guy looks like Bin Laden. They all have black hair… they all have that beard and all of them wear that toilet paper hat that makes them look like the Michelin Man, but really really dirtier, and with facial fleas, and no bath water.

Also I want to comment on a few things.  For starters, the acting in this movie was so bad that porn stars could do better. Scratch that porn stars ‘DO’ do better. Put Jenna Jameson instead of that chick that played the whorish cry baby queen. The vocals of this movie were so bad…. You couldn’t hear half the lines. They need to make everyone bring a Whisper-2000 into this film so people can hear what the fuck is going on.

On top of that Orlando Bloom has really really screwed up titties….. I know it is hard to explain.. but he has what is referred to as Orangutan boobiess. His nipples are practically under his arm pits and so off center it looks like some plastic surgeon tried to give him implants and was performing this surgery during an acid trip. The ‘epic battle scene’ was like watching Battle Chess. Oh and to make matters worse… this movie left so many gaps in the storyline that you would have to break out the Encyclopedia Britannica to find out what happened. All in all I give this movie a 5 out of 10. It could be worse… it could have had Russel Crowe in it or some random Canadians. If you plan on taking a date or significan other to this movie don’t bother. She or he will most likely leave you and slap a restraining order against you and the only skin slapping you will get is with Palmala Handerson.

Movie Tip Of The Session:  Ever been so ghetto that you just don’t feel like paying that awfully high price for popcorn and soda? Well here is a trick you all can learn.

Go in a theater.. hit the arcade or basically any area and grab a large bag and a large soda.. empty out the contents… pour soda on the bag to where it looks bad then go to the counter. 90% of the theaters offer free refills on large popcorn and drinks. They will see that your bag is ruined and if you were smart you would have done something to your cup. They will offer you a new cup and bag for your newfound  popcorn and soda and presto.. you did not spent 1 cent on your beverages!   Cha-Ching… you’re welcome!