Chimper’s World

Long ago back when I was 15, my friend was spending the summer vacation with my family and we were free to do what we do best…. start trouble.  Things were going great until the neighbors told on my friend for smoking and my dad had to burst into discipline mode!

My pal and my father sat out back… he gave one of his infamous speeches and forced my friend to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes… my Pops sat out there.. hour upon hour… sun up to sun down… forcing my pal to light one after another… all my poor friend could drink was water… all that my buddy could eat was bread… somehow through sheer luck my comrade got through the entire box.  It had taken the poor thing I think 16 hours straight..the unlucky soul was so sick and threw up all over during this experience and for the next 3 days  was bedridden and sick and barfing non stop.  It was horrible.  Somehow… someway… my friend found out that this all happened because my neighbors snitched and turned us in.  Now… revenge must be done… the life goal was set:  to kill the neighbors and destroy them at all cost.

While it was freshly into summer vacation my friend brooded… every time we were outside the gaze locked onto the neighbors house with hatred… and my pals brain was in overdrive working the perfect plan.  We had all the neighborhood kids there playing and having fun… but my friend just kept staring at that house as if telepathically crushing it.   Then something happened… a meeting was called.

"I hold 2 five-gallon buckets ," My compatriot declared when all of us were grouped.  "If you have to pee, you use the bucket… both men and women… it is our Porto-Potty.  If you have to shit… you use this other bucket… very simple."  Many of our group was refusing to do so… but ‘that look’ was given and for some reason nobody could argue… it was done.

Within a month the buckets were really high up there… it was disgusting.. the sheer smell of it was assailing… and then as usual the neighbors went on their vacation up north like they do every summer break.

My friend started to pound the phones like a telemarketer with Tourettes.  Everyone was ordered to come over.  The time had come to exact revenge. 

Within hours everybody arrived… we all stood outside with these 2 mini-versioned Porta-Potties behind our Commander.. flies buzzing around like mad.  Our leader looked at everyone… said thanks… and went behind our house to get my dads ladder… then took it to the neighbors house… and latched it to the neighbors roof…

Now at this time it started to dawn upon us what was occurring… slowly… everybody started to put 1 and 1 together… we were all in shock… the air seemed to stop.. and nobody said a word… we just sat there as a united force and watched our leader take these buckets up the ladder 1 at a time without a lid on them.. flies and shit and piss sloshing around dropping to the ground and all over my friends’ sides and legs… still the agenda was set and my partner in crime kept going up that ladder 1 foot after the other… accepting the mess assaulting the rising figure on the ladder, and then poured both buckets down my neighbors chimneys!!!

While my once innocent friend was coming down (and everybody was still silent as hell), the nutcase started to crack up with sheer insanity.  "Wait till they get home… they are gonna find their entire living room covered in shit and piss mwahahah," my friend laughed wickedly. 

"But your…. covered in shit and piss." Declared somebody else.

"So I am… so I am," was the reply as my friend went to the garden hose and begun the ritual of cleansing.  Our friends shook their head in shock and walked away nobody uttering another word… everyone was just… in total shock.

About 2 weeks passed… you could stand out front of the neighbors house and smell the shit from the road.  You could see an ash cloud of bugs all around the chimney every day, it was horrid… and then.. suddenly… the neighbors came home.

We called everybody over… and not 1 person failed to arrive… they had gotten to our house in mere SECONDS for this event… we all piled in my bedroom that had a window which showed the neighbors house… we watched them unpack, and then… they went in.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!"  was all we heard that echo’ d the air… we laughed so hard… we never laughed so hard before… my dad asked in the living room ‘what happened’ and we said somebody fell off the bed… he accepted it… we kept rolling with laughter… but then the neighbors eyes shifted directly to our window.  Even though there is no possible way he could have seen us in our tint.. he just stared… and then marched over.

The last time I seen so many people scatter like roaches barreling past my dad out the back door was on those police specials when they bust a truck full of illegal’s.  Everyone but me and my guilty friend were there… the neighbor marching over like a pissed off army ant on a mission. 

"Ding Dong."   (the doorbell)

"Oh Shit." (We said in unison)

All we heard was yelling from my neighbor when my dad answered the door.  Then my dad broke the inaudible words with his trademark, "You two get over here.  NOW!"  We filed in like little soldiers… masks upon our face with the mock confusion look being displayed. 

Here I was… playing the cards perfectly well.  I admitted nothing… the neighbor told us about his house… I didn’t crack… I kept a straight face and even some mock amazement as to what vandals would have done such a disgusting act to his house… I was 100% believable…. but my idiot friend…. sigh.

Hysterically laughing, the idiot was next to me… doubled over holding the stomach, face redder then lava… laughing like nobody ever ever laughed before.  My dad asked me if we did it… I said no.  He directed his aim to my friend and stated ‘Did you do this or know about it?’

Now I never thought in a hundred years that anyone would be stupid enough to admit this…. but my pal did… somewhere in the depths of retardedness my friend thought it was a proper time to release such vital information and decided to let it all out… "Yes we did… oh it was the funniest thing ever" and poured the ENTIRE story out ending it with the phrase "revenge mother fucker!"

I don’t remember much, but I do remember my friend over me applying a cold towel on my face something like 3 hours later… my friends eye was black and shiny and I had this weird bruise over my forehead.  From what I gathered it just took 1 hit for my dad to knock us both out like Thor. 

Our friends and us spent the entire summer vacation cleaning the neighbors house, redoing their carpet, and mowing the lawn doing all yard work for them for the rest of the year.  My friend had to cook them food every weekend and we were not allowed to eat it.. we had to do the dishes… and after the punishment half our friends never talked to us again.

My childhood was fucked up.