Chimper’s World

So a few days ago I took my dog to the vet.  He had some skin problems that was causing his hair to fall out alongside his back and he was itching it and whining non stop.  Once inside the vets office, sitting on those hard ass wooden 3rd grade chairs. I take note of the 2 old ladies to my left with their cat carriers and the old hag that resembles Skeletore from the He-Man cartoons sitting alongside my right with a wheezing gasping giant poodle looking mutt. 

Since I am smart, and hate hanging around old people that do nothing but bitch about this generation and rap music and anything that has a loud noise beyond the 1st decibel, I made an appointment ahead of time.  Since my appointment was for 9 am and I got there at 8:50 it was no surprise to me that I was the first person in…. at fucking 9:35.  Typical office waiting bullshit tactic numero uno I imagine. 

Anyway’s…  my dog and I are are sitting in the office and I discover that after 45 minutes of waiting, I have to take a monstrosity of a shit, I explain my needs to the good doctor and he directs me to the bathroom while he inspects and feels up my dog.  (By the way, I never understood the vet work, it has come to my belief that the finger in the ass technique was developed by the perverted  people that later become veterinarians). 

So here I am dropping some bombs when I hear a banshee of a scream.  I quickly wipe my sector, and bolt out to find a crowd of nurses scampering away and my vet looking over the corpse of that wheezing oversized poodle.  It had died of old age and the gasping for breath was basically it’s way of going to the big fire hydrant in the sky.  Well this is where everything went from bad to worse…

Anyone that knows me knows my dog.  He’s a mini pincher that has an eating problem because he is a tad on the heavy side.  Either way he has facial expressions that rival a human and an understanding that would rival that of most adults.  He KNOWS what he is doing, and knows what he is doing wrong.

While working on him the vet heard the scream and bolted out of the office to check on what had happened, leaving the door open and leaving my dog to roam around and explore.  My dog then happened to find the dead poodle lying on the floor and I assume while the vet went in the back room to get a tarp and some cleaning supplies, my dog decided to become Rico Suave’ and have his way with her.  The old lady, whose dog had died, went outside because the site of her dog passing was too much for her.. little did we know that there was another surprise for her. 

As I round the corner from the bathroom aisle to the office, the lady also comes in from the outside with tears streaming across her face like the Niagara Falls.  We were greeted by the site of my doggy slowing rocking it with the corpse.  Legs spread apart, tail up in the air, tongue hanging out, he was slowly working it with a big old smile on his face… naturally the old lady screams louder then ever in a deafening tone then starts to yell.

"That monster is killing my dog…."
"You bitch!"  She yells as she points at me.  "What demon of a dog did you raise?!"

After her yelling at me for my dogs actions, my dog continues to have his way with it… when the yelling gets extreme, he looks at me and stops mid stroke.  Here I am alongside the vet who returned yelling.

"Bad.. bad dog… bad… get over here NOW!"

What does my cute doggy do?

He hits fast forward and turbo speed and starts humping that dog faster then anything.  I thought he was about to bust the sound barrier.  Apparently he finishes and gets off with his pink thing hanging down as he strolls his way towards us with a gigantic smile on his face… the lady almost feints… and gets herself under control and then starts yelling at the vet.

"You asshole, you let this happen.  I will never ever take my dog here again."

Whereas my vet, whose awesome and was laughing at this time says:

"Lady, your dogs dead, naturally you won’t take her here no more."

The lady screams some more and bolts out.  So we are left with a dead dog in the office, my dog licking himself clean, and the 2 ladies with their cat carriers sitting like statues with their faces in magazines whom acted like the entire episode did not happen.

What an embarrassing day, but by far, the best necrophilia story ever.