Chimper’s World

In the past, I stated that I can create the biggest farce in history and due to my massive following, have so many people back me up and thrive off of it that it can be made believable.  I stated I could shit out gold bricks and people would back me up on it to the point where banks would call me up wanting my shit-vestments. 

Though I bragged about shitting out something of monetary value…. today something strange happened:

I sat upon my ivory throne reading an Ebony magazine so that I could dumb myself to that level hopes of destroying that evil culture, when I heard a plop in the toilet.  Like a kid with a new lilli pop I started to smile at my achievements and looked down so that I may make claim to my success… and inside next to my deported Cosby Child, I saw… a shiny penny.  Now normally I woulda been like ‘woot moneys’ and fished it out using the lil scrubber (this is the only time I would touch the lil brush thingy because that’s a dirty job), but I sat there in awe… I quickly wiped myself with sandpaper (that’s why I am so tough), and called in my friends so they could note my success.  They looked at me in a really weird way… and started to shake their heads in a ‘no’ way and muttered something.  I’m not sure what they said, but I can almost guarantee it was something along the lines with how bad-ass I am for dropping a penny out of my O-ring.

I knew at once that this was a blessing from either God, Chuck Norris, Kurt Angle, Steve Irwin, or Bruce Campbell, because only with the proper blessing from someone high up can anybody drop something of monetary value out of their asshole.  I got on my knees and prayed to my Chuck Norris poster right above my Bruce Campbell DVD set, next to my Kurt Angle action figures that held up my Crocodile Hunter Collectors Edition Box Series that was next to my crucifix.  I had been blessed.  My anus was the modern day King Midas, but instead of touching gold I could shit it out.  I had a gift.

I imagine if I focus really hard I can shit out more then a penny, perhaps if I practice my gift I can squeeze out a golden bar like I stated long ago and sold to stupid bums for their change.  I think the reason I have been touched by a deity to where I get these super awesome powers is because my Gods (Chuck Norris, Bruce Campbell, Steve Irwin, Kurt Angle and God) all agree with the current course I have been following in life.  I think this is there way of saying "Your the shit’ and when they said that … they blessed my poop chute. 

I imagine like all things in life, that they wanted me to start out small, so they started me with the penny.  In a few tries I imagine I will go up to a higher priced coin, then perhaps if I practice; the second coming of Christ. 

I’m just very honored to have this gift, and everyone I told it to gives me an incredulous look that can only be called envy. 

I’m thinking or organizing a nationwide road tour and visit some of my fans.  If my Gods approve, I might leave you a present in your toilet perhaps a gold brick if your special.  I’m so happy.  I might go sit on the toilet and practice.  I know what I’m sending charity this next holiday season!